Wall Street Journal published this article by Amy Chua titled "Why Chinese mother are superior" and people are talking about it. The reaction has flooded our company's parent mailing list and also coffee room discussion. It is very interesting to see the different sides o debate.
I don't know any Chinese mother who is like what she described. I don't even know any Chinese mother in China does that. Personally I felt this whole generalizing Chinese mother thing is a business strategy to sell her book and for that reason and that reason alone, I am going to wait for the library copy if my curiosity peeks. I felt that she already exploit me somewhat by stating things that obviously not a fact and I refused to be exploited further :-)
So what is all those nonsense about no playmate or having sleep over and what is wrong with getting a part in a school play? I had to beg the teacher to let me see my daughter's class rehearse because we wont' be able to attend the final performance with an previously booked flight which will cost $1000 to alter for the family of 4. I think parents are just generally proud of their children as long as they are putting their mind into the things. How well or what they do is less relevant.
I do see myself pushing my daughter to practice and not given up, however I think western parents push for the same thing. Discipline is what gets you to achieve a higher level for any interest you would have weather it is sport or music instrument, with the likelihood of Chinese parents pushing music instrument more and western parents push sports more. At young age children lack of the motivation to drive themselves and those are the time they need a lot of encouragements and external motivation to help them over the hump.
In any case, parenting does not come with a Manual. Learning on the job isn't easy and I think all the parents doing it by trial and error. Amy Chua's kid is still small, for her to claim victory is a bit too early. Chinese philosophy also believes that the good things can go bad and bad things can go good, there was never the absolute. What measures success is highly questionable and happiness comes in variation of forms. To say my daughter achieve this and that as a measure of good parenting, I am not so sure.
This article do make me think about what I want to achieve as a parent. So here is my expectation for my daughter when she grew up:
I don't know any Chinese mother who is like what she described. I don't even know any Chinese mother in China does that. Personally I felt this whole generalizing Chinese mother thing is a business strategy to sell her book and for that reason and that reason alone, I am going to wait for the library copy if my curiosity peeks. I felt that she already exploit me somewhat by stating things that obviously not a fact and I refused to be exploited further :-)
So what is all those nonsense about no playmate or having sleep over and what is wrong with getting a part in a school play? I had to beg the teacher to let me see my daughter's class rehearse because we wont' be able to attend the final performance with an previously booked flight which will cost $1000 to alter for the family of 4. I think parents are just generally proud of their children as long as they are putting their mind into the things. How well or what they do is less relevant.
I do see myself pushing my daughter to practice and not given up, however I think western parents push for the same thing. Discipline is what gets you to achieve a higher level for any interest you would have weather it is sport or music instrument, with the likelihood of Chinese parents pushing music instrument more and western parents push sports more. At young age children lack of the motivation to drive themselves and those are the time they need a lot of encouragements and external motivation to help them over the hump.
In any case, parenting does not come with a Manual. Learning on the job isn't easy and I think all the parents doing it by trial and error. Amy Chua's kid is still small, for her to claim victory is a bit too early. Chinese philosophy also believes that the good things can go bad and bad things can go good, there was never the absolute. What measures success is highly questionable and happiness comes in variation of forms. To say my daughter achieve this and that as a measure of good parenting, I am not so sure.
This article do make me think about what I want to achieve as a parent. So here is my expectation for my daughter when she grew up:
- general good health,
- respectful for herself and others, well mannered
- financially self-sufficient and content
- remain close relationship with the family members
- have a healthy hobby she enjoys or express herself
- self-motivated and self-discipline to learn
- responsible
- Optimistic
Hope I am not asking too much. Here I leave you a picture of the superior mother with her superior daughter ;-) It is funny when we took the picture my daughter say "Mommy, I think you are the most beautiful. Do you think I am most beautiful?" "Of course" I said, "and most lovable and cutest and most special" Then she got carried away and say "and Daddy is the most handsome and Aaron is most handsome....."
Top: JCREW Silk Tied Crew neck
Bottom Anthro For Flora Skirt (2009)
I haven't read the article yet, but I wanted to comment on what you wrote first. I'm so glad that you brought up how parenting is a learning process. Trial and error. I've been trying for the past 3 years to get my daughter to eat broccoli. We have tried EVERYTHING - right down to sending her to bed if she didn't at least try one piece. Well, tonight some kind of magic happened. She tried broccoli for the first time --- and ended up eating every last bit of it on her plate! I'm not sure what happened, but something made her decide to try it.
ReplyDeleteI think love, consistency in discipline, and spending quality time with your child are the best ways to motivate them to be the best that they can be. (Even when it comes to simple things such as manners at the dinner table.) Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, and not one person has all of the right answers. What works for one family might not work for another. We all just have to have patience and follow our insticts the best we can :)
P.S. - You are a Superior Mother :)
ReplyDeleteI read the same article and although there are some truths in it, the author itself is just too crazy for me to respect. I think in certain ways, my parents did push me harder than my western friends' parents. But I don't believe that's a Chinese thing. I believe every culture has lenient parents, and every culture has stricter parents. For instance, there's a saying that a stereotypical Chinese father never talk about his emotions and aren't really involved in their kids' life. But my dad was so involved in my school and directing me through life. I'm definitely closer to him. Thanks for pointing this article out! I really enjoyed reading your blog about it.
ReplyDeleteAimee: thanks for your kind words. I am glad your daughter finally get to try the broccoli. We are not strict on what vegetable they won't eat as long as they eat vegetable in their diet. My daughter won't eat tomato and pepper because she doesn't like the taste, but likes broccoli and cauliflowers. We usually have multiple type of veggies so they are allow to dodge 1 type they don't want to eat. That has been our strategy so far.
ReplyDeleteCindi: You are so lucky to maintain a close relationship with your father. I wish I had that with my dad, but I felt we have grown apart over the years. There are times I felt I don't know what to say to him.
Aww...I'm sorry to hear that. Is he in the US or in China? If you're not physically close, I can see how hard it may be to just hang out and talk. Because my dad and I don't really talk on the phone, but we do go to each other's houses a lot. I hope you can slowly get that closeness back though. You'll always be his little baby.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a lovely post. I'm off to read the article now and am a bit curious to see what it says, as my mother's Chinese. but I just wanted to let you know much I was inspired by the goals you've established for your daughter. From what you've shared about her, it sounds as though she is already well on her way to becoming a well-rounded, happy, delightful, sensitive, and bright young lady. And so much of that is attributable to having such a wonderful and loving mother as you.
ReplyDeleteJamie: I couldn't tell your Chinese heritage at all :-) So is your upbringing more eastern or western? My biggest enemy with parenting is my temper. I could be extremely patient and creative at times with the kids, but other times when I am physically discomforted, I am like a mine field, easily exploded.
ReplyDeleteI just saw your comment on Sweet Laundry's blog about LG = Lao Gong. I had to laugh, as that is what i call my hubby all the time at home :-)
ReplyDeleteI was reading the paper and came across an article about Amy Chua's chinese parenting. Some of it is a bit OTT such as throwing back her daughter's handmade birthday card. I would never do that to my (future) kid - it's a self esteem crusher.
However, I think that when I do have kids, I want them to use their potential and do the best they can. And if they wanted to be in a school play, well i will let them - it's a great way for them to gain social skills and confidence which is crucial to success in the workplace these days in my opinion!
Your daughter looks so happy and adorable!